


i can't lose you

by angelsprunch



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Don't expect a happy ending, M/M, Not A Happy Ending, but is there love?, i wrote this while watching 6 years, kind of, so i dre w inspo from that, there's a lot of talk about love, they want to be in love, you will be disappointed if you want there to be a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-13 00:45:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13559100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsprunch/pseuds/angelsprunch
Summary: eddie is in love with bill and bill is trying to figure out what being in love means to him.





	i can't lose you

**Author's Note:**

> so this is angsty and sad. it does not have a happy ending. this is something that i’ve had in my head for a while and i sent a headcanon about it to @stonedzier / breathplayed and i finally decided to write it !! warning for sadness

Sometimes it was like nothing had changed. Sometimes it was like they were still best friends. They would sit beside each other and Eddie would be bickering with Richie while Beverly passed Bill a cigarette. All seven of them would be sitting and they’d all have their own conversations. They’d all be coexisting peacefully until Eddie leaned back and rested his head on Bill’s shoulder. He took the cigarette from Bill’s hands and passed it to Richie before offering a warm smile up to his boyfriend. Bill smiled back and Eddie leaned up for a quick kiss. “That’s much better.” he said as he settled back on the couch and linked their hands.

 

Sometimes it was nice and Bill enjoyed it. It was nice to have a person that was his, someone that would always be there for him. It wasn’t like it wasn’t like that before they started dating. There were somethings that changed that Bill couldn’t pinpoint. Sometimes it was just different feelings. Of course, the physicality had changed but it was something that Bill could handle. Kissing was something that he enjoyed and he never minded kissing Eddie. All the losers were very close and very physical so the cuddling hadn’t changed too much. Bill and Eddie would hold hands as children so even that wasn’t too much. The hardest part was that Bill knew how much this meant to Eddie.

 

“Bill, is this going to turn into a sleepover?” Beverly asked from where she was draped across Mike on the floor. She was laying in his lap, playing with his fingers. Mike had his head tilted back against a bookcase with his eyes closed.

 

Bill looked around at all of his friends. They were looking at him with a small amount of interest and Bill shrugged. “If you guys w-want to. My parents w-wont mind.” he shrugged, settling back into the couch. Beverly shot him a smile before she kissed Mike’s cheek and got up from her spot to go get another drink. Richie got up to follow her and Eddie scooted in closer to Bill. A smile tugged on Bill’s lips and he put his arm around Eddie.

 

“Do you want us to leave so you guys can have some privacy? We’ll be in your hair all night.” Ben teased as he got up from his spot on the floor. Stan made a face, but got up to follow Ben. He looked like he was going to say something, but Ben’s fingers wrapped around Stan’s wrist and pulled him out of the room. Mike laughed and got up to follow the boys out of the room under the guise of helping them find snacks and agree on pizza toppings.

 

Eddie shifted next to Bill and put a hand on the boy’s cheek. Bill turned into Eddie’s hand and met his eyes with a small smile. “I thought tonight was going to be just us.” Eddie pouted, leaning in to press a quick kiss to Bill’s nose. There was some sadness in his tone, but Bill knew that Eddie wouldn’t turn away their friends.

 

“We haven’t all hung out in a group since the summer. Everyone has been so busy and we haven’t all gotten the chance to hang out as a group. We can have a night together another time.” Bill offered, moving to stand up. He wasn’t even fully off the couch when Eddie grabbed his hand and pulled him back down. The smaller boy climbed into his lap and Bill’s hands awkwardly fell on Eddie’s hips. Before they were dating this felt so natural and Bill never noticed the way Eddie’s cheeks would flush. Now Eddie just smiled shyly and kissed Bill. Eddie’s lips were soft and he always tasted like a minty toothpaste. It wasn’t something that Bill minded, but it always felt like he was leading Eddie on.

 

“My mom is gone all weekend. I could just stay after everyone else goes home.” Eddie offered, dipping his head down to kiss Bill’s jaw. Bill hummed, but didn’t say anything. Eddie was going to stay one way or another and Bill knew he didn’t need to comment on it. Bill let him kiss his neck but he moved to push Eddie away when he started sucking a mark on the sensitive skin. Eddie pulled away with something close to a frown and Bill wondered if he should let him continue.

 

“W-we’ve gotta make sure they remember to order s-something Mike can eat when they’re ordering pizza. Richie will insist on s-some disgusting combo and Mike is too nice to remind them to order s-something for him since pizza isn’t vegan.” 

 

“I don’t think Stan will let Richie get something disgusting. It is bound to turn into a fight, though.” Eddie agreed as he climbed off of Bill’s lap. He let Bill stand up but he grabbed his hand as soon as the two were standing and Bill went into kitchen from the door in the garage. Surely enough Stan was sitting on Richie’s stomach while Richie shouted about how they never let him get pineapple on pizza.

 

“Get off of my Staniel. You are all too scared of the truth and the truth is that we need to order pineapple on our pizza.” Richie said while he reached a hand out to grab his glasses from the floor. Stan seemed to have caught the movement and he kicked the glasses just out of reach with a smirk.

 

Bill sighed and bent down to pick up Richie’s glasses. “W-we have this fight every time.”

 

“Because, shockingly, Richie can’t get a hint and has bad taste.” Beverly said from her spot on the counter in Bill’s kitchen. Mike and Ben were standing on either side of her and Bill wondered why neither of them intervened between Stan and Richie.

 

“Mike why don’t you go order something? You know what everyone likes.” Eddie said grabbing someone’s phone off of the counter beside Beverly’s thigh. Mike nodded and took the phone from Eddie and went off to the other room. 

 

“We never get what I like! This isn’t fair!” Richie shouted from where he was on the floor while he tried to move Stanley off of him.

 

“You’ll eat anything. You ate french fries from the garbage in second grade.” Stan deadpanned before he got up from his spot on top of Richie. Richie shot up and wrapped his arms around Stanley’s waist and picked him up in the air. 

 

“I was so lucky that you were there to witness it because you knocked them out of my hand and gave me half your lunch. What a hero.” Richie said, pressing a wet kiss to Stan’s cheek only to be pushed away. Eddie watched with disinterest before he went to get himself a glass of water.

 

The rest of the evening went pretty smoothly. There were three more outbursts from Richie all of which were handled by Stan. Handled being used in the loosest of terms. During the movie Richie wouldn’t shut up so Stan shoved a handful of popcorn in his mouth and when that didn’t work he whispered something in Richie’s ear which seemed to do wonders. Mike insisted on paying for the pizza even though the losers were trying to split the price. He got up to answer the door before anyone even had cash in their hands. Beverly collected cash from everyone while Mike was in the bathroom, though, and hid it in the pocket of his denim jacket.

 

After the movie, Richie and Bill had a contest to see who could fit the most candy in their mouth. Richie insisted that he won, but Ben pointed out that since they both threw up neither of them won. This resulted in Richie throwing skittles on Ben and laughing maniacally when Ben caught them in his mouth. Stan didn’t intervene on that one and instead he helped Bill and Eddie clean up the mess left behind. 

 

Richie was the first one to fall asleep to no one’s surprise. Stan said that he probably crashed from a sugar high and they were all lucky that he crashed instead of getting crabby. Stan and Ben helped carry Richie upstairs so he could sleep on some blankets on the floor of Bill’s room. Ben came back down, but Stan apparently wanted to start his bedtime routine while no one could interrupt him. After that Beverly fell asleep on Mike and he carried her up to bed while whispering that he was probably going to crash as well. Ben followed shortly after once he was sure that there wasn’t anything else he could do to help out.

 

Once they were alone, Eddie sat down on the couch and patted the spot beside him. Bill smiled warmly and sat beside Eddie glancing at the infomercial playing on the television. “How many people do you th-think buy this s-stuff?” he asked, voice soft as Eddie rested his head on his shoulder. The volume of the television was low and the light of it was the only light in the living room. Blue light shone on Eddie’s face and, if Bill was being honest, it made him look a little sick. Frowning Bill’s cold hand found a place on Eddie’s cheek to check if it was warm. Eddie hummed at the contact and moved to peck Bill’s cheek.

 

Settling into Bill’s side, the two were quiet for a while. They were watching the infomercials and occasionally one or both of them would do a dumb voiceover for the product. None of it was all too clever but in the late hour it had both boys giggling. Bill ended up laying down on the couch after a while and Eddie rested his head on his chest and laid down with him. “Bill?” he said, voice soft. Eddie moved so he was resting his chin on Bill’s chest and looking at the other boy through his long lashes.

 

“Hmm?” Bill said, looking at Eddie. His hand continued to trace small patterns under Eddie’s shirt. Eddie was soft and warm and Bill’s hands were almost always cold. Eddie looked sleepy on his chest and Bill considered offering to carry him up to his room, but Bill decided that they could stay here for a little while longer.

 

“I’m glad we’re together. I think telling you that I liked you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I’m really glad that it all worked out. You’re the best person in my life. Don’t get me wrong    
I love all of our friends. You’ve always been special, Bill. You always will be special.” Eddie said, pushing himself up on his elbows and kissing the corner of Bill’s mouth.

 

The words both warmed Bill’s heart and filled him with dread. It was always nice to hear about how much someone appreciated him and he did appreciate Eddie as well. Still, Bill knew that the way he felt about Eddie was very different from the way that Eddie felt about him. “You’re sp-special to me, too, Eds.” Bill mumbled, offering a sleepy smile to the other boy. It wasn’t exactly a lie, but Bill still felt bad about it. He was too scared to admit that he didn’t feel the same way about Eddie. He didn’t want to lose his best friend.

 

Eddie yawned and rested his cheek on Bill’s chest, small hand reaching out to link their fingers. Bill’s other hand stayed under Eddie’s shirt and he turned to look at the TV. It was now an advertisement for some kind of grill and Bill wondered what kind of person would be up at three am and preparing to buy grills. He laughed to himself and it seemed to grab Eddie’s attention. Neither boy said anything, though. They sat in silence for another twenty minutes before Eddie dozed off on Bill’s chest. 

 

Bill eventually carried Eddie up to his room. Eddie stirred in Bill’s arms but Bill softly told him that he was just taking him to bed. This seemed to be enough for Eddie who simply nodded and relaxed in Bill’s arms. It was hard to maneuver around the sleeping bodies of his friends and Bill was pretty sure that he accidentally kicked Richie on his way through. Bill laid Eddie down on the mattress and climbed in beside him. Bill hadn’t even pulled the covers up around them yet when Eddie is snuggling closer to him. Moving so he had his arms around Eddie, Bill kissed the top of his head and pulled the sheets around the two of them.

 

Eddie was the last one to wake up. By eleven o’clock Richie was making breakfast in Bill’s kitchen. Beverly sat on the counter beside him and dubbed herself his personal taste tester. No one seemed to mind and Ben, Stanley, Mike, and Bill sat around Bill’s kitchen table. They were all talking about current events at school, but none of them seemed too invested. Bill suddenly got the urge for a cigarette so he got up and reached his hand into the pocket of Richie’s windbreaker. Richie didn’t really react when Bill pulled out the pack of cigarettes and checked for a lighter inside the pack. “I’m going out for a s-smoke.” he announced to his friends before going to the back porch.

 

After a few moments Ben had come out to the porch with Bill. He sat down on the step beside Bill and rested his elbows on his knees. Bill nodded to his friend and took another drag of his cigarette. There was clearly something on Ben’s mind, but he wasn’t saying it. Bill played with the idea of confronting it and after a few moments he knocked their shoulders together. Ben smiled at him before looking down at his hands. “I see the way you look at Eddie and the way he looks at you.” Ben starts before stuffing his fists in his pockets. Bill frowns and takes another drag of his cigarette but doesn’t say anything. “You two look at each other so differently and I don’t know. Maybe it’s none of my business, it probably isn’t. I’m just curious, I guess. Are you guys okay?” Ben finished, glancing at Bill once more with an apologetic look.

 

Bill was quiet for a long while, turning Ben’s words over in his head. It didn’t have to be something obvious for Ben to notice it. He seemed to be hypersensitive to all of his friends feelings so it didn’t particularly worry Bill that he may be noticing some of the things that Bill was trying to hide. “You’re in l-love with Beverly.” he finally said, taking a drag of his cigarette. Ben nodded at this, but didn’t say anything. “How did you kn-know? What made you realize that it was love and not just a r-really intense friendship? How can you tell the d-difference between your feelings?”

 

“I don’t know. I just… I’m happy being her friend. I’m happy that I get to be in her life in any way that she lets me. For me, it’s just this intense desire for her to be happy and live her best life. I mean, I want that for all of you. I think that a relationship kind of love is just a more intense kind of friendship love. While I want all of you to be happy and live your best lives, I think I would go as far as to lay down my life for Beverly.” Ben paused to laugh softly, shaking his head. “Maybe that isn’t fair, either. We all put our lives on the line for each other at some point or another. Maybe with a group as close as ours we all are in love with each other a little bit.” he sighed, and bit his lip. “I’m not helping much, am I?”

 

“You’re trying and that means s-something.” Bill admitted, taking another drag of his cigarette before stubbing it out. “I don’t-- I feel like I’m not being f-fair.” he finally said, turning his attention to Ben. “I want to be in l-love with Eddie. It would be s-so much easier. He’s kind and caring. He’s very p-pretty and he is really in love with me. I just-- I worry that I’m leading him on. I feel like he’s more into it th-than I am. It doesn’t f-feel fair to him but I’m s-scared that if I end the relationship, I’ll lose him.” he sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose. Bill hated to admit it aloud but maybe Ben could help him. Maybe Ben could guide him.

 

“I don’t know what to say. I mean, Eddie is definitely in love with you. He could be in the middle of screaming at Richie and he sees you and everything about him softens. It’s almost like he forgets about whatever idiotic thing was happening because you’re presence is so much in his mind that he can’t focus on anything else. I want to believe that even if you two don’t work out as a couple, he would still cling to the friendship. I don’t think he could handle fully losing you. I also don’t think that a breakup would be handled wonderfully. It’s always best to be honest about how you feel, though. Even if it’s hard, it’s important that you’re honest with him. You don’t want to hurt him.” Ben offered a tight lipped smile and clapped Bill on the back before getting up to go back inside.

 

Bill opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn’t think of anything worth saying. Everything Ben said seemed to make sense, but it was so hard to actually tell Eddie all of this. Eddie looked at Bill with so much wonder in his eyes and there was so much pure joy on Eddie’s face when they were together, Bill couldn’t take that away from him. He’d never forgive himself if he took away Eddie’s smile. Bill sat outside for a few more moments while he thought before he decided to go inside and try to warm up. Eddie still wasn’t awake by the time he got inside and Richie was finishing up cooking some pancakes. With a sigh Bill trekked up the stairs and crawled back under the covers beside Eddie.

 

Pressing gentle kisses all over the smaller boy’s face, Bill mumbled for him to wake up. Eddie groaned and tried to push Bill away, but Bill didn’t give up. He slid his cold hands under Eddie’s shirt which earned him a squeal and some laughter. “Bill stop! Your hands are freezing!” Eddie whined as Bill poked at his sides. After a few moments the tickling subsided and Bill pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

 

“Richie m-made breakfast. You’ve gotta h-hurry before it’s all gone.” he said, moving to sit up. Eddie pouted and reached for Bill’s wrist. 

 

“I want to stay in your bed forever. It’s warm and it smells like you.” he complained and Bill sighed.

 

“If you g-get up right now, I’ll give you a p-piggyback downstairs.” he offered and Eddie lazily got to his knees and wrapped his arms around Bill’s neck. Bill hooked his arms under Eddie’s legs and got up, smiling when Eddie’s delighted giggles filled his ears. He carried him downstairs and told Eddie to hold on tight while he put together a plate for the two of them to share. Ben and Mike were still sitting at the table eating while Richie looked for syrup in the cupboards. Stan was putting together a plate while telling Richie that the last thing he needed was syrup. Beverly was still sitting on the counter with a plate balanced on her thighs.

 

“Good morning everyone. How did you guys sleep?” Eddie chirped from his spot on Bill’s back. He wiggled a little and Bill loosened his grip so that Eddie could slide off his back and go sit in one of the chairs at the kitchen table. He was smiling widely and his hair was messy from a good night’s rest.

 

“I slept alright. I always prefer my bed but it’s worth sleeping on the floor if I get to be around all of you guys.” Ben said softly.

 

“One of you snores very loudly, but other than that it was nice.” Mike said as he took another bite of his pancakes.

 

“It’s Richie that snores. I told him I was going to smother him with his pillow.” Stan deadpanned as Richie tried to check the cabinet behind Stan for some syrup.

 

“It probably wouldn’t be so loud if you weren’t pressed up against him at night.” Beverly teased, giggling when Richie still hadn’t found any syrup.

Richie shot Stan a look and wiggled his eyebrows and Stan threw one of his pancakes at Richie. His laughter quickly turned to a horrified gasp when Richie picked it up from the floor and took a bite. “You’re fucking disgusting. Do you know that?”

 

“Oh, really? I thought you just called me trashmouth for the hell of it.” Richie shot back, leaning against the counter beside Beverly’s legs. Stan shot a glare at Richie before going to sit at the table beside Mike. He finished his pancake and stole one off of Mike’s plate.

 

“I didn’t hear anyone snoring, but I was hardly awake by the time I went into that room.” Eddie admitted, smiling at Bill as he set a plate in front of him. Bill moved to lean against the counter by Bev and pick pancakes off of the plate they were served on since there were no more seats at the table. After a few more moments Richie gave up on his search for syrup and settled on sprinkling cinnamon and sugar on his pancakes.

 

As the day went on the losers trickled out of the Denbrough home. Mike was the first to leave with Beverly on his heels. Mike said that he better go so he can finish an essay that’s due on Monday and Beverly asked if she could stay and help and maybe eat some of Mrs. Hanlon’s cooking. Of course, Mike agreed and the two left. Richie had eaten some candy off the floor and Stan said he had to go before he killed Richie. Richie pouted and tried to follow Stan out but Ben reminded him that he should probably put on some shoes before he left. By the time Richie had gathered his things he made a bet with Ben about how long it would take him to get kicked out of the library so the two went to the library.

 

Eddie stayed for the rest of the afternoon and the boys talked and cuddled. They played some video games and even cleaned up all the messes that the others had left behind. As the sun started to set Eddie started to get texts from his mother asking him where he was. By the fifth text Eddie pouted and kissed Bill gently before saying that he should probably get going. Bill’s hands lingered on Eddie’s hips but he agreed that it was best so he could avoid getting in trouble. Bill helped Eddie gather his stuff and the two shared one last kiss before Bill was alone in his house.

 

He had about an hour until his parents came home and he decided to spend his time drawing. Bill drew a picture of Eddie sleeping in his bed. His cheek was smushed against the pillow and his hair was just barely falling into his eyes. His face was relaxed and peaceful and he was wearing one of Bill’s flannels. While Bill worked on the sketch, he thought about his feelings towards Eddie. They were strong feelings, Bill knew that. It was hard for him to figure out what the feelings meant, though. Eddie always seemed so sure of how he felt. He knew that he was in love with Bill and he told Bill that much when they shared their first kiss eight months ago.

 

Eddie couldn’t meet Bill’s eyes and Bill distinctly remembered Eddie telling him that he was in love with him, but Bill didn’t have to love him back. Eddie just wanted him to know because it wasn’t something that he could hold inside anymore. Bill didn’t even think. He had been drinking so his inhibitions were lowered and he leaned in and kissed Eddie soft and gentle. Part of him wanted to see what it was like and the other part wanted to ease the worry out of Eddie’s face. When he pulled away Eddie looked surprised and he told Bill that he didn’t have to do that. Bill had simply smiled and said that he wanted to. That night they went home together and they didn’t do much more than kissing. They fell asleep tangled up in each other and when the morning came Eddie asked if he could call Bill his boyfriend. Bill shrugged and that was how it started.

 

Bill enjoyed kissing Eddie and the contact. He liked to be the reason that Eddie’s face lit up and the reason that Eddie giggled. Eddie’s laughter was one of Bill’s favorite sounds. Eddie was fun to pick up and Bill had always felt a bit more protective of Eddie than he did over any of the others. Bill had always loved Eddie, but he still couldn’t figure out if he was in love with him. Biting the inside of his cheek, Bill continued to shade his drawing. Eddie told Bill that he loved him all the time and he never seemed to get too upset when Bill didn’t say it back. There was one night that Bill had asked him why and Eddie explained that he didn’t need Bill to say it for him to know how he felt.

 

Days passed and Bill continued to draw Eddie. Finals week was approaching so the two didn’t talk much. Eddie took his classes very seriously and he had given Bill a quick kiss and told him that he loved him but made him promise not to text until the tests were all over. Bill had laughed and agreed but whenever Eddie texted him to come over, Bill was on his doorstep in four minutes.

 

After his English exam, Bill found his way to the library and he wandered around aimlessly. Bill hadn’t realized that he was looking for Mike until he saw him reshelving some books. “Hey, Mike. Can you help me with s-something?” Bill asked as he approached the other boy. Mike offered a warm smile and nodded.

 

“What do ya need, buddy?” Mike asked, tucking a book under his arm.

 

“How do you… know that you’re in love with s-someone? How do you know if it’s more than a f-friendship?”

 

“Is this about Eddie?”

 

Bill frowned, but he didn’t answer one way or the other. Mike nodded and took a deep breath. He seemed to be trying to gather his thoughts before he said anything. That was something that Bill always admired about Mike so he waited patiently. “I think that the difference would be the physicality of it all. You want to kiss them, you want to hold them. You fall asleep better next to them. It’s a lot like being friends but it’s also more. I think. I don’t know, it’s hard. Our friendships with each other are so intense that I think the lines between a friendship and a relationship are blurred. Why don’t you talk to Eddie about this?”

 

“I’m s-scared of hurting him.”

 

“Bill, Eddie loves you so much. It may be hard for him to hear, but I think he’d want to know. He cares more about you than some relationship. Not that this is just some relationship. I just… I think he’d be okay talking to you about it.”

 

“Thanks, Mike.” Bill smiled. He squeezed Mike’s arm before turning to leave. 

Mike nodded and went around to finish shelving books. 

 

Bill headed home and he drew another picture of Eddie. At about nine he got a text from Eddie saying that if he had to read anymore textbooks he was going to lose his mind. Bill laughed and invited Eddie over for a study break and Eddie agreed. By nine thirty Eddie was sitting cross-legged on Bill’s bed wearing one of Bill’s shirts. Bill had a pack of oreos between the two of them and he was feeding them to Eddie while the two laughed.

 

“Eds?”

 

“Hmm?” 

 

“How do you… know?”

 

“Know what?”

 

“That you’re in l-love?”

 

Eddie’s smile faltered and he looked at his lap. “I think I’ve always been in love with you. I look at you and I see hope. The best parts of my day are when I get to see you. I love holding your hand or being next to you. I love when we kiss and when we cuddle. I love listening to you talk, even when it’s about things that I know nothing about. I’m pretty sure that if you were the voice explaining my notes to me I would have a much easier time studying, but if you were there I think I would get distracted by you.” Eddie giggled and grabbed another cookie from the pack. “I’m able to see your flaws, but I even love that about you. I would do anything for you. I know that you’d never take advantage of that and I think that makes me feel even safer loving you.” Eddie took a bite of the cookie and looked up to meet Bill’s eyes. “Why?”

 

Eddie’s words washed over Bill and he tried to think about how those words applied to his life. What was the difference between wanting to be in love and actually being in love? He knew that he wanted to be in love with Eddie. He wanted to make all of this work. Taking a deep breath, he leaned in and kissed the tip of Eddie’s nose with a small smile. “I’m just trying to f-figure it out.” he mumbled.

 

“Figure what out?”

 

That was apparently the wrong thing to say because now Eddie looked even sadder and he was starting to get off the bed. “What do you need to figure out, Bill?” he asked, taking his lower lip between his teeth.

 

“I don’t-- I don’t know.”

 

“Do you love me?”

 

“I want to.”

 

“What the fuck does that mean?” Eddie asked, pulling Bill’s shirt over his head and putting on his own shirt. Eddie’s expression looked hurt and he grabbed his phone before heading to the door. “You either love me or you don’t.”

 

“It isn’t that e-easy.” he protested, lamely. Eddie shook his head and walked out. Bill wanted to stop him, but he didn’t know what he could say to make it better.

 

Finals week came and went. Eddie and Bill shared a few texts, but it was mostly Bill trying to meet up with Eddie and Eddie coming up with excuses for why they couldn’t hang out. Stan and Richie had the same lunch period as Bill so he approached the lunch table that they shared and sat down with a sigh. It had been nine days since him and Eddie shared more than a few words. Bill was starting to think that the one thing he was trying to avoid was coming true.

 

“What the fuck happened to you?” Richie asked as he stole a fry from Stan’s lunch tray. Stan opened his mouth to protest but he seemed to decide that it wasn’t worth it.

 

“I f-fucked up.”

 

“Yeah, we heard about it.” Stan said, studying Bill’s face before sighing. “There had to have been a better way to have that conversation.”

 

“Well, wh-what would you have done?”

 

“How is Stan supposed to know what he would have done? Stan’s never been in love with a person. Birds? Fuck yeah. People? No way.” Richie teased, ruffling Stan’s hair.

 

“I’m not in love with birds you moron.” Stan said, swatting away Richie’s hands. Richie simply winked at him and Bill sighed.

 

“How do I f-fix this?”

 

“Tell him you love him. It’s what he wants to hear.” Richie shrugged.

 

“Only tell him that if you actually love him.” Stan added, elbowing Richie. “Don’t lead him on.”

 

Bill sighed and started to eat his lunch. The hard part was trying to figure out if he did love Eddie or not. He wanted to sit down and talk to him about all of this, but he also didn’t want to hurt Eddie anymore. “Do you guys know how h-he’s doing?”

 

“He’s been spending a lot of time crying at my house.” Stan replied. Richie shot Stan a look and he simply shrugged. “What? I’m not going to lie.”

 

The rest of the lunch went pretty quietly. Richie made a few jokes that earned an elbow from Stan but they walked out of the cafeteria hand in hand. Bill was quiet for most of it and he walked to his class alone and in silence.

 

By day eleven, Bill couldn’t stand it. He missed Eddie too much so he showed up on Eddie’s doorstep at seven o’clock. He thought about making a big romantic gesture, but he wasn’t sure if that was a good idea. Instead he had a handful of flowers that he picked from his mother’s garden and he waited. Eddie opened the door and he was thankful because he didn’t know how he’d explain it to Mrs. Kaspbrak. Eddie frowned when he saw Bill and moved to shut the door but Bill stopped him. “What do you want, Bill?”

 

“I m-miss you.”

 

“You can keep missing me.”

 

“Eds, please. Let’s talk?”

 

Eddie looked over his shoulder and saw his mother asleep in the recliner in the living room. He was quiet for a moment while he thought before he opened the door wider to let Bill come in. Bill handed the flowers to Eddie and he took them before walking up to his room. Bill followed and he watched as Eddie set the flowers on his night table. “So, what do you have to say? Do you love me?” he asked, turning around to face Bill with his arms crossed over his chest.

 

“I m-miss you.”

 

“You already said that.”

 

Bill sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I want to be with you, Eddie. I do. I s-swear.”

 

“But?”

 

“I don’t know. I feel like it isn’t f-fair to you.”

 

“Because you don’t love me?”

 

Bill was quiet and he looked anywhere but at Eddie. This wasn’t fair. They had been together for almost nine months now and Bill shouldn’t have let it get this far. “I do l-love you. I don’t think it’s in the w-way that you l-love me, though.” he finally said, unable to meet Eddie’s eyes.

 

“What way do you love me?”

 

“I’m trying to f-figure that out.”

 

“Have you always felt this way?”

 

“Y-yeah.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me the night after we kissed? Why didn’t you tell me a week in? A month in? Two months in? You’ve had so many opportunities to tell me! You’ve just been-- All this time? Why?” Eddie’s voice started to crack towards the end and Bill knew that he was close to crying.

 

“I didn’t-- I didn’t want to l-lose you.”

 

“So what was your plan? Your big, genius plan? Were you going to tell me after a year? When we went off to college? Were you going to, what, wait until we went far enough that we’re at a fucking altar? Is that when you planned on telling me?”

 

“I don’t kn-know!”

 

“Get out of my house.”

 

“Eddie, p-please…”

 

“I can’t do this! You lead me on for nine fucking months, Bill. You made me think we were in love.”

 

“I can’t l-lose you.”

 

“Well, you did.”


End file.
